I can cook 30 minute rice in 12 minutes successfully. It is rumored that women are smitten with my unparalleled air-drumming skills. I have called customer service numbers for many restaurants and complained just to get free food. Occasionally, I go bowling… on my brother-in-law’s Wii. I am a grizzled expert in making candles, a seasoned veteran in cleaning chimneys and a wanted man in Daytona Beach for a ‘dine and dash’ incident during the summer of 2008 at a beachside pizzeria.

When I get bored, I clean my dog’s teeth. I have been to all 50 states yet have never boarded a plane or a boat. On Thursdays, I play Sudoku for nine hours straight. I am currently writing my biography for a child that I plan to adopt from Yugoslavia. I’ve met Bigfoot, do not believe that Elvis is dead and have eight sets of pristine china.

I have stolen cars, given CPR to an elderly man that eventually died a week later and do not give cards for any occasion. I have discovered the meaning of life but forgot to jot it down. I have never taken steroids. I can type faster than you can speak. I don’t have all of the answers because I have never been dead before. I sleep with one eye open. I agree that there is no ‘i’ in team; however, there is an ‘m’ and an ‘e’.

I would love to have dinner with these three individuals: Yoda, Will Ferrell & the last person that I see before I die. I think meatloaf would be a nice choice for this dinner. Or chicken pot pie. I think that babies are ugly. I am numb to showing emotion. I have stopped a bank robbery with a complimentary cup of water and apple-flavored sucker. Oh yeah… and I produce a radio show.